Who is she?

2005-08-07T19:57:00.000-07:00

Anabelle took the spot where the conversation had just occured. Now she was the new bearer of the conversation, not James.

'What was that all about?' Anabelle grinned cheekily at Crystalle.

'What do you mean? Cant opposite sexes have cnversations and not be stared at all the time?' It was just like the old days Crystalle thought. She knew that by the end of the night, Anabelle would be the one dancing with James.

'Well, so i have been caught. It was just James's appearance that drew me ya know? He seemed so.... knightly?' Anabelle couldn't help grinning and lookin at James's direction.

'He is all yours then, he seemed pretty anxious for a first dance, why don't you be the one to take that honour?' Crystalle had other things on her mind at the moment. She needed sometime at the balcony. Nature had a hold over her. It controlled her inner feelings. So that she wouldn't burst.

'Alright..so i will get my and his drink.' Winking, Anabelle walked sleekily towards James.

She was every guy's dream Crytsalle thought silently. She saw James's happy smile while they were so engrossed with each other.
Where is Jaryan? We had better trash things out. Leaving a problem unsolved would only enhance more problems and torture to her heart.

Standing at James's balcony took her breath away. The view was breathtaking. She realised that the party was nothing compared to the time she shared with nature. The wind whispered her message she planned to make Jaryan understand. Another whisper startled her though.

'Why are you here all by yourself? Thinking of something again?' Jaryan spoke so softly. It reminded her of the time they first met. When he whisperd the message on the paper star. Is this going to be another beginning?

'We should talk if you are ears.' Crystalle wanted everything to be cleared up. The night was too beautiful to waste with problems.

'Where should we start? The phrase 'i loved you' is still ringing in my ears Crystalle. I would rather you explain yourself than leave me hanging.' Jaryan's eyes were fierce. Was it anxiety? Or passion?

'I did love you Jaryan, but it is a different story now. It was a different story then when i saw you with Anabelle. The intimacy, her head on your shoulder in our favourite spot, your hands in hers, even that kiss. THAT kiss. What was i supposed to do? Love you even more? I thought we had an understanding. Though we never proclaimed it to each other.. I guess i was wrong.' Crystalle knew she had made a statement. She was wrong, she did not need his confirmation.

'You know what Crystalle? I really treasured what we had. I still do. What you saw that day was just my moment of weakness. Anabelle said she liked me alot and she wanted to move one step further. She said you told her that we were close friends and that was why she could confess to me without hurting you. I was confused when i heard it. Because i loved you too. I was going to tell you soon. i wouldn't even mind staying there and being your friend if you wanted. Anabelle.. she was.. an infatuation. A crush? But you were important to me. The kiss meant nothing. What you are wrong about was what you saw between me and her. You are still my closest girl- friend you know? You always will be. I always felt that you were a treasure i had to be very careful with..' Jaryan looked into Crystalle's eyes. He meant every word he said. He did not want their relationship to be ruined because of a moment of frenzy.

'And you would be my closest friend too. Of course besides Chris and Anabelle. So it wasn't a misunderstanding was it? She likes you. So i heard Peace came for a visit? How did it go?' Crystalle's heart went out to Jaryan. She knew she shouldn add to his troubles. From the conversation, she knew that Jaryan still loved her. But she wanted to give him time. Time to know that she was the one. Another Anabelle incident was not going to help.

2005-07-15T02:08:00.000-07:00

Arrving James's house made something in all their hearts thump loudly.It was really a magnificient event. The house was decorated to its fullest potential. It was the best views ever. Nothing could ever beat this event. It was an event not to be missed. They were early. Very early. The house lacked souls. But it shone where dead things were in the competition.

'Hey James, this is so cool! We never expected you to come out with such an idea!' Anabelle was still looking around in awe and exclaming every other minute about the decorations.

Jack ignored Anabelle's exclamations and faced Crystalle in the eye. Jaryan and Chris were in the house exploring. It was a moment not to be missed.

'So... I am so glad you managed to come. I thought of your absence in school today. You feeling alright?' James gave Crystalle many once overs. She looked...absolutely stunning. It blew him away. She was the one Leon was always talking about. Now he knew why. Now he understood. He cursed himself for not knowing earlier. She did not go around the school with the popular kids. Just with her small group in her own small world. But he knew, that being one of the most popular, he could change her alotogether.

'James, of course i would come. The whole school knows about it! I wouldn't have missed it for the world!' She realised that James was checking her and giving her a once over. That was weird. She only spoke a few sentences to him during their acquaintance.

James realised that he had thought once or twice about her. He liked the look of her when she was staring out of the window. The window people knew was where she stood when there were things on her mind. The human population were observant creatures. Too observant for their own good. And James was one of them. He also heard the rumour abour Jaryan and Chris. There were many rumours concerning the small group of four. The 'foured' were what they were referred to in school. Every group had a name in school. The 'foured' stood for, how conflicts stirred the four, and how they got together with clashing personalities. He heard all those. The bad thing was, you never got to hear what people said about your clique.

'Could i have the first dance with you? Whats your pick?' James blurted out, being popular was about his personality and looks of course. But not his guts. People judged you for your guts, but they never knew he didn have them. That was a big step.

Having a dance with him is not going to be that bad would it. She questioned herself. There many dances to while away time the whole night. But the first dance. The first dance. It meant something to her. It was the first dance of the night after all. A special occassion. An important thing.

'Why dont i let you be the one who gets the limelight. I am sure many would love to dance with you first. Why dont we dance together when you have entertained every one? My pick? I will think about it. And i will tell you later.'

James smiled warmly at her. It was a smile of gratitude. He wondered what he was going to tell Leon.

2005-07-06T01:12:00.000-07:00

'Shall we go over to Chris's house together and make a move? I expect Jaryan is there too. They told me at school today that they would drop over once they are done.'

'They did? Well, looks like Chris and Jaryan are real sllooww at preparing for big events?' Crystalle snatched a laugh at her statement and winked eyes with Anabelle. The atmosphere was light again, it was going to be a fun night. She was so sure about it.

'Oops, here comes the ladies.' Jaryan gave a sheepish grin as he opened the door and came face to face with Crystalle's surprised face just an inch away.

'Nice to see you 'un-sickkly' again Cryst. You look nice. Real nice.' Chris admired Cryst's outfit for a full minute and grinned and Anabelle's face.

'You look stunning Anabelle, a great..posture. Indeed, this dress really suits you! Perfectly of course.' Chris said in a serious tone. He knew Anabelle well and he knew how jealous she could get.

'Ok, girls. Its my turn. You both are absolutely gorgeous alright? Pay me some compliments too please!' Jaryan posed into a male model strut.

'Yeah. lets just make a move shall we? We are all looking. Fine?' Anabelle swung her hips and swifted off towards the exit where a few streets away lay the long awaited event.

Chris and Jaryan were chatting happily as Crystalle walked beside them. Thoughts were swirming in the air. She sensed a contradiction of uneasiness and confortability. Though Jaryan talked easily, the sensation in his eyes betrayed the words that were coming out of his mouth. They were different alothgether. Chris however, Crystalle thought, was at his best ever. He looked like the warm guy to block out harm and evil paws. He felt like a strong confident pillar where nothing could ever bring it down. Nothing. Comfortable was the word Cryst was searching for, and she found it in him. He was a Samson in disguise.

Dreamy as she seemed, Cryst did not look like she was thinking about something wondeful. The expression on her face was of strangeness. Something Anabelle had never seen on her best friend's face. She linked arms with Crystalle and brought her back to the voices of her friends. They were reaching the lights of the party where redemption was something not to be thought of.

2005-06-12T20:57:00.000-07:00

Tonight's party was going to be wild, it was the event of the year. It was going to be a blast, the level was not going to attend school the next day. There was sure to be an uproar within the teacher's block. It was a full attendance for everyone, strange it seemed. Not even graduation had full attendance. There were more who wanted to come. But this was held specially for them.

Anabelle admired her pretty and provocative figure in Crystalle's long mirror. Somehow it made her already slim body look even better. She stood a full ten minutes posing infront of it before managing to tear away her eyes to look at her friend. Silently Anabelle felt that Crystalle's outfit was nice, it was more than nice. But nothing could beat hers. She watched Crystalle with hawk eyes as she Crystalle combed her silky hair and added accessories to it. It was time for a girl conversation it seemed.

Crystalle could feel Anabelle's eyes boring into her head. It wasnt just a stare. It was something more than that. It was scanning through her brain and searching wildly for the hidden secret. Why did Anabelle want to know so much about her life? What was her intention? Crystalle was sure that Anabelle was not looking for the anwers to Jaryan. Maybe it was jealousy? Maybe it was admiration. But that was just a moment of doubtfulness towards Anabelle's sincerity. Crystalle reaproached herself and didn want to think further. Why was she always doubting Anabelle? Shouldn she be doubting herself too. It is not human's nature to be nice and warm. She was no exception either.

She could not comprehend what she was feeling. Maybe tonight at the party she would find out the answers. Crystalle wanted nothing more than to know the answers. The key to open the lock in her heart. The right key. Partying was good, it took her mind to another dimension. Somewhere far. Some people did it by dancing, she did it by watching. Watching nothing in particular. It was just the atmosphere that allowed her to think accurately. It was the scene for her to observe in silence. The view of dancing bodies and the smell of the drinks was a familiar feeling. She couldnt wait for the party.

2005-05-27T05:43:00.000-07:00

Crystalle wanted to tell Anabelle everything. From the start. After they were best friends werent they? She seemed so sincere in coming to visit me. How can i ever doubt her? She realised that Anabelle was serious this time. She felt that Anabelle was but making small talk. She was trying to divert her attention, trying to stop herself from asking a forbidden question.

'Peace? Was there peace in our class? Wow that seldom happens!' I am so sure it is about Peace. The peace of Jaryan. The Peace which brought turmoil. Maybe now it will change. He will make sure of it. He has missed to much of her.

'P.E.A.C.E, Peace, Jaryan's ex girlfriend. Came to visit today. Motive, no motive?' Anabelle wanted so badly to see Crystalle flinch. She wanted to know what Cryst was actually feeling, her thoughts. Why did she have to keep it to herself? Precaution? From what? It was a quaestion she would never have an answer to.

'Well how did it go? Was Jaryan elated?' She had to keep it short, simple. To herself. Bitting her tongue seemed the easiest way.

'They both had a long talk. We could see from the glass window. I think they finally made up! I am just so happy for them! Right?'
Anabelle clutched Crystalle's cold hands and squealed with delight. She was truly happy for Jaryan. She realised that love did not come by easily. She did want Jaryan to herself anymore. She knew she won once. And it was enough. She still did not lose. But she had a new target now. A better one. But now, Cryst was her concern. Friendship was another thing that did not come by easily. Sometimes she treasured Cryst.

'Of course I am happy for them! Well so, any new hot topics?' Crystalle heard Anabelle talking about the latest cute guy on her list. But her mind was wandering. Just when she thought she was over him. Someone had to fill the gap again. For him. But no, she was definitely not over him. She couldn be. She just acknowledge her love for him. He knew it now. But she knew that Peace was more important to him.

'Oh about the school party tonight, you would be going right? I just love parties, tonight's theme is 'WILd'. And it sure would be wild! I would just drop by my house and grab my stuff to get me ready and pop back so we can dress up together alright?'

'Yeah sure Belle, I would love that alot. I would just go sort out my untidy heap to find something suitable. Be back in what? Twenty?' She smiled heavily and there was no twinkle in her eyes. She was a sorry state. Yes she is. Crystalle, what have you done to yourself she questioned her soul silently.

She was alone again, looking through her weird clothes. People liked telling her that she should dress like the usual population. The party was a hit. It was everything the level was looking forward to. James was loaded. He had his own ballroom and he invited the whole level to attend a little something he organised which probably only took up 1/80 of his parent's riches.

Crystalle picked put two shawls. It felt smooth and cherished in her hands. Se loved dressing up. It was a factor in her life which gave her excitement. She laid the glittering purple and dark red shawls across the bed. From her wooden cupboard out came the darkest shade of black, they were solely black tight fitting pants. Next Crystalle drew out seven ribbons. The colours of the rainbow. All these time she fascinated herself with the wonders of clothes and never once did Jaryan enter that world. She draped the glittered shawl each diagonally across each shoulder so that both formed a perfect cross. She looked at herself in the full lenght mirror, it was perfect, the knots made by the shawls fell nicely across her shoulders. The red overlapped the purple to create a misunderstood character. Her black pants emphasized her legs and the ribbons were wound nicely around one leg, it was a rainbow across the black night. A silver mask hung across her door, she lifted it up and wore it. It was one sided. She had it cut nicely to fit her face. Half of her face.

2005-05-04T23:28:00.000-07:00

Crystalle crossed back to her house but before reaching her door, she spunned around and stepped back into Chris's front door. Looking at the bottle laid infront of her, she had the urge to turn around and endow on Chris the task of fulfilling her heart's words. But this time it was differemt, she bent down and slowly picked up the bottle and ran in the opposite direction into her house, breathing heavily she brought the bottle into her small room and slumped her ever upright posture onto the bed.
''Its meant to be this way, Jaryan was not his usual self yesterday and i know that. He still loves Peace. And Anabelle is just another friend like he implied. Maybe he has not noticed but he means more to Anabelle than she to him.''
She forced the thoughts of Jaryan out of her head and focused on her surroundings. She loved day dreaming, the dark clouds ouside loomed over her apartment and dark shadows played around her room. She loved thinking about her apartment she so independently and lovingly nurtured into something worth staring at.

When she arrived, she was glad to know that her mother had willingly got her an apartment just opposite Chris's. She was thrilled, but not by the fact that she was there. Chris's mum while visiting her son, made it her duty to fetch her to this small accomodation. Her mother knew Chris's mother because of their children's strong friendship, their strong innocent friendship. But strangely enough, Chris's mother never stepped into her house or made acquaintances with her dad. Both mothers only talked over the phone about their beloved children who were good friends. Yeah they met not more than a dozen times before always encountering each other only in the presence of their children. She was glad that it was Chris's mum who brought her to her new place. She swallowed the vision of the house and promised that she would make it look wonderful for herself. Now it was different, she lived by herself, she lived on her own and it was all for the better she thought.

Though she lived opposite Chris, her apartment was much smaller. Her room was mauve, soothing to the eyes she always felt. But her small living room was a totally different colour though, she wondered whose arrangement it was, the previous tenant? They obviously had a weird taste, it was way too bright. She detested bright colours, but she found out the truth of it, it was a tool for brightening up her life. With the allowance her parents gave her, she went shopping with Chris and his mum for furniture. They gave her too many ideas too many good ideas for her benefit. In the end, she settled on a wine red sette with a brighter shade of red for her cushions and of course pillows, her mood on that special day was filled with detectable joy so she settled for and orange and pink pillow to set above her bright settee to match her yellow walls. It was perfect and it did not cost much like her previous country. But her apartment was almost as bare as Chris's packed one. All the other furniture she had in her living area compiled of a small television and a portable radio.

While Chris's mum left them to do her own shopping, Crystalle headed to decorate her room. She knew the space by heart and knew that all it could fit was a single bed and a table with a chair. Then she thought of her kitchen which was splashed with white tiled walls and floors. She had the necessities to fill her stomach's hunger and all she needed was a place fit to study and eat. She decided to keep it simple and ordered a table fit for two, it had two colours seperated by a middle, soft pink and lightest shade of blue. The chairs came as a set. Maybe that was why she never liked big groups of people visiting her.

''If i were to count now, only four people would have their butts comfortably taken care of, the others would have to devote themselves the to the hard cold floor.''

But now the house looked as if each of the rooms had its own unique and distinct characters and moods that would never change.

''My room spells, comfort with mauve walls and dark purpled quilts and lavender sheets. It spelt transformation. The toilet with the most beautiful and indescribable shade of green that she felt always clamed her nerves and was soothing to her senses and a healing to her heart. When it comes to my living room, it changes altogether, it was bright, it erased tears and sorrows, brought upon energy and clear thoughts, it made her positive once again. And stepping into my kitchen, the white, spotlessness overcame her with peace and patience, it was a wonderful apartment really.''

She stopped thinking about the apartment she felt like she owned and her thoughts flowed back to her family. Family? Well that was a strange word. She never spoke about why she came here, why she left her childhood memories to a different environment. Was she happier here? She knew the reason she was here. She knew both reasons.

'Darling, you cannot major in your dreams here, you cant maximise your full potential and I am sure this scholarship would do you good. They even professionalise for your passion in the arts. How does that sound?'

Her parents felt that it was best for her, and they respected her decision. And it was very well her decision to come. Her parents.

Coming to that, she realised that she forgot to reply her dad's email. It was left stale for two days. Snapping out of her thoughts she lazily crawled to her computer table and flipped on the screen, hastily she replied the concerning words on the lifeless screen. Ending with, 'love'. It took up much energy thinking about her family, her life. But it was a great honour to think of the apartment she so lovingly cared for. Strangely though, she felt that it was missing the life.

'A pet for a companion would do good...'

Her thoughts were disrupted by Anabelle's shouting.

'Crystalle darling its your best friend!' she croned. Crystalle wondered how many exclamation marks she had to include if she were writing that statement down.

She opened the door to a pretty and slim figure. Anabelle let her long and perfectly shaped legs take four long strides and sat with her legs crossed onto the sette and hugged the bright pink pillow. Crystalle followed suit but held the orange pillow, hugging it tightly her eyes boring into Anabelle's.

'What brings you here, best friend?' She noted a tinge of sacarsm in her own voice and realised why.

Anabelle extended a delicate palm across Crystalle's forehead and felt for a second.
'I sense heat in your head and heat in my head too! Why didn't you come to school today? I left a pink flower on your table to tell you how much you were missed!' Her smile was wide and warm, it brought back memories of how they spent their days talking on the phone, shopping, teasing Chris when he was dragged into their talks and how Anabelle relied on her wise advice on the guys she picked out.

'What did i miss?'

'You missed Peace.'

She wanted to know why exactly didnt Crystalle turn up at school, and why Jaryan hardly talked to her, much less sit beside her. She had to endure her classes sitting beside jerks and girls who felt that they could inch out makeup tips from her. She was popular no doubt, but she did not want useless attention. It would get her nowhere close to Jaryan. Every lesson, she came in early, hoping Jaryan would not skip the classes and sit beside her. But her hope was crushed every ten minutes into class. She could not talk to Chris as Yoana occupied most of time and she spied Linda giving them horrid looks while whispering to yet another one of her gossip partners. She really did miss Crystalle today, she wanted to tell Cryst how her mother was giving her a hard time, she wanted to make sure they both did not fall for the same guy. But she knew if they did, she would not come inbetween because all this time she never saw her best friend enrich in the happiness of having a partner and she almost felt pity for her. It was now or never, of course she had dropped some hints for Jaryan, maybe a little too many but she never noticed if Cryst actually liked him as a friend or more. Anabelle knew that she was serious this time, she knew that now was not the time to play the winning game, she hugged the pink pillow tightly and told herself, pink should be close to passion, openess and vanity. But now all she wanted to do was concentrate on openess.

2005-04-26T01:21:00.000-07:00

The rain poured out infront of Crystalle's eyes. She watched the droplets dreamily, they slided down her window into the sill below and faded away. She wondered silently, was there a leader amongst them, did they know each other by name, after all they would all combine into one big puddle. As one. It didnt really matter, they were all friends, they would all evaporate and come down again. They joined together, the droplets were never as one. Though she loved her walk to school everyday, every step, every breath of air that came rushing at her, today was exceptional. Yesterday the poems from the book really did touch her so much. So very much. She really wondered where Leon got his inspirations from.They seemed so...real. Her house felt so quiet. Crystalle peeled her eyes away from the window and counted fifteen small steps before she reached the hall and she flicked the play button on.

'What i gotta do to make you want me, what i gotta do to be heard, what i gotta do when it's all over. Sorry seems to be the hardest word.....' Her cd had jumped three tracks to that song. Her song. She realised that from the beginning she never thought that this day would derive. When she would not know what to do when everything was over. Over? But they never started it seems. They knew they loved each other but no one admitted it. Till someone forced them to unknowingly. She looked away sadly, her eyes fell to the sette where she and Jaryan were sitting just yesterday. HeR eyes caught sight of a bottle. Stars!!! Something jumped in her heart. It felt like an excited child. It was as if her parents were giving hera precious toy as she bent over and held the bottle in those delicate hands only for the delicate things from a delicate heart.

She flipped open the bottle her mind racing to yesterday. Had he left it there on purpose when she left for a sad sleep? had he meant to give it to her personally but accidentally left it there? She unroled a perfectly shaped star into one thin wine coloured paper. Her favourite colour. The handwriting had small blotches of ink dots behind some of the spider handwriting. It was as if he was in deep thought.

'She does know what i think. Crystelle my one and onli. fifth month of school.' She felt cold suddenly. in this small warm house of hers. She recalled how Jaryan used to pronounce her name. He prolonged the 'telle'. She opened another strip of paper, which brought a new sense of belonging in the place she almost hated. 'Why cant i tell Cryst that i love her. I have to do so soon. And it is a promise that will stay forever. Because she is all that i want.'

It felt harder to open the next one and the many many more. She went to her small kitchen and took hold of a cup and filled it with hot water. It burned in her to open the rest of the paper stars. She went into her room and took out this year's bottle of folded stars. It was pretty big and pretty heavy. It still had a few spaces.

'i want to tell him that i am sorry. I want to say, Jaryan, it was my fault.' She wrote the date on and folded the last star tenderly. She slipped over to Chris's house next door and left it with a note,

'Chris, please pass this to Jaryan tmrw will you? I will explain to you later when u come back.' His familiar front door was still locked which meant school was not over. She would miss just a few more days of school. Her teacher would understand. They all understood her. Except that Crystalle never visited herself.

2005-04-24T08:08:00.000-07:00

2000

The shadow started to move. Crystalle refused to look up she didn want to see what she already knew was there. She already suspected what it was.She stopped there in her tracks.She wanted to turn around.The rock below her shoe looked like a sharp grey edge in her heart.It was cutting and cutting deeper and she could not remove it.Chris started to move forward.

He wanted to be nice to him.He wanted to say 'hi Jaryan' but something held him back.They were friends after all.But what came out was not from him.He felt torn inbetween.

'SHOVE off will you.Dont let Anabelle wait.' It came out as cold as Crystalle's eyes. It shot Jaryan in the heart and he was forced to block it out and stand still.He ignored Chris and went over to Crystalle unsure of his steps.Unsure of why he felt giddy.

'Crystalle, i have to talk to you. I really do. Chris, you shove off. Stop hovering over her as if you are some guard.' Suddenly he knew why he felt giddy. It was the alchohol. It was shooting up to his brain. But he needed to get his point across. His blood felt warm. Too warm against Chris's coldness.

'Chris, its ok. let me hear him out yeah?' Crystalle realised that Chris was looking angrier than she had ever saw. He never got angry. And she realised this could get nasty as Jaryan wasn in the right state of mind. But she also knew that at this point of time. His heart was in the right state.

As she turned the key in the lock, she felt the crunch of the key turning in the lock turn in her heart. Chris let himself into the bathroom making sure that Jaryan knew and felt his anger by slamming loudly. Jaryan slumped onto the sette. His eyes were a blur. His speech was well defined. It was right from the pit of his unfaithful heart she thought.

'Cryst, it is not what you think it to be. As you know...Anabelle...well she.. never mind that is not the point. All that i am saying is that i know what goes through your mind. I see it in your eyes. And you have to believe me. I really love you. Please look at me.' His voice sounded shaky.His hands couldnt find a place to rest.

Crystalle looked at her hands. But what she saw were the hands that recieved the fallen star from his fingers the first day they met. She saw the hands that taught him how to make a shinning star. She saw the hands that joined their hearts together. But all the things she saw came to the hands that was replaced by another's well manicured ones. She gazed into those glazy eyes and her tone was one that would cut a bamboo stick right down the middle and it would only fall apart a minute later,when that fateful cut sinks in.

'You chose one step forward and it just seems that it is a road that has no turning back does it? I lovED you Jaryan.' strangely the word lovED made him flinch and as he opened his mouth a second time, she stood up and walked swiftly to her room while Chris walked swiftly to Jaryan.

It had been a long day and her bed engulfed her to a sleep that was the beginning of a never ending dream. She heard Chris locking the main door as usual. 'Nite' she whispered.

2005-04-12T08:27:00.000-07:00

2001

It was the biggest regret that she could do nothing about. Chris used to question her silence and somehow now she knew the answer. Somehow she knew. The only thing that she could be thankful for was atleast there was someone she knew for half her life was there to follow her wherever she went. She knew that the side of her she couldn show was engraved upon her heart. It wrote bitterness, yes thats the word.

Math was tough. But it was not as tough as going through life seeing things you did not want to happen seemingly keep appearing infront of you. She was happy for Annabelle. She was definitely happy for Jaryan. He found what he wanted. She would neevr doubt him. She wouldn even think of that. But the word insincere kept jumping into her mind. Why did he just have to leave like that? What did those glances mean. It would never be the same again, trust me. She was blinded by hurt. He was blinded because he was naive.

She opened the poem book that someone she knew would treasure her and started to try understanding her questions. It gave her answers that were straight from his heart. Leon's poems always seemed so true, it was really from every occassion. Each time she read his poems, cold gave way to warmth and ignited a special feeling in her. He did not have to speak to her, she knew that she was special in his heart when they locked gazes. And that was enough for her. Contentment was within her soul, and it was Leon who taught her that......

'Chris, when do you think we will get out of this place? I really cant stand it no more! Its as if its pushing me to the brim of my jug.' Her eyes were downcast and her voice was not as hyper as usual. He gazed at this girl he knew half his life. He felt his heart open up to her, he believed that she was stronger than she seemed. He had no answer to her questions most of the time. They were passing the shallow trees. The view of her stay awaited her. Why was she so quiet suddenly? It was as if she was thinking of something deeper. Something else. Besides the view of her stay now was the view of a shadow. The stones were pretty and she was admiring them below her feet till she saw the shadow stretched right to the tip of her shoes.

2005-04-10T08:41:00.000-07:00

2001

'Jaryan i really have no idea how to do this! It's infuriating!'.
'Ok, Anabelle. its goes like this...no u add that and multiply with that....'

It was math lesson. 'Students, feel free to discuss your questions.' It was free and easy usually. Crystalle was asking her favourite teacher all her questions. Her many and never ending questions. She hated math but loved her teacher. He gave her the answers to her bad results. He picked her up when she was roaming the number world. She wasnt lost in the number world after all. She also had a math expert, partner and friend to guide her.

Thinking back again to that fateful day. It was during math lesson. She was late for class.

She sat down at the usual but realised that it was Chris smiling at her. She forgot what it was like to sit beside him during math. She usually sat with Jaryan during math. It was the only lesson that she got to sit with Jaryan. But as she looked around she saw Anabelle laughing happily while Jaryan caught her eye. Anabelle seemed to be enjoy her talk with him tremendously. Crystalle thought she saw Jaryan staring at her. He wasn't concentrating on the conversation with his partner now. Chris was explaining to her a sum and he stopped half way following her gaze. He saw what she saw, he understood what she felt.

'Hey Cryst why dont we go for a breather?' Chris saw his teacher give him a nod and they went out of the door. The chair felt cold. The air felt chilly. Only Chris's presence gave a certain amount of warmness.

'Chris, why do you think Jaryan switched places?'
'Well maybe recently Anabelle and him got closer? Like you and me, best of friends.' His heart was aching for her. He knew more than that.
'Yeah sure we are the bestest of friends but why. i thought me and Jaryan were good friends of a higher level than what he and Anabelle would never reach!' She could sense something was wrong in that heart of her friend. His emotions were sending confused signals. It was as if he was protecting her from something.
'Cryst, i guess the people around us change all the time and you have to look around you to notice these stuff. Look at this flower here. It was a healthy yellow a few days ago. Look what is it now.'
Crystalle gazed at the wilted flower for the longest time, thinking, something was heavy on her heart. She realised that after Peace was out of the picture, a few weeks after, Jaryan started dropping hints along the way. But so did Anabelle. She realised that Chris wasnt hanging out with her much too. Though it was always the four of them together. but then again he was there for her as always.
'Chris i think i know what you mean. It was my fault wasnt it? Times i thought would never end was stolen away from someone else. Now it belongs to her and now its all hers. He chose his path i guess, and i can do nothing about it.' Suddenly she wished she wasn't here. She wished she was back in her own country with Chris. He was the one she grew up with. Left with and that was all pure coincidence. She now wondered why things had so change. Her shell was forming again, the one who broke it is gone and now she has to revert back to a shelter. Her comfort was with herself and Chris...she had someone else she could trust.
'Cryst, matters of the heart are undescribable, unpreventable and unpredictable. It all comes like the wind rushing at you. Sometimes you can swerve the other way but sometimes, you just dont know what to do and ignore it. Being you, seldom you rush with it or go against it. It is no one's fault. It is just the way life is.'
Slowly she picked up her books and walked to her locker. This wouldn't have happened if she was where she was a few years back. This would not have happened if she had stayed where she was. This shouldn even have happened. Opening her locker, the well of her face overflowed with salty water. The pictures in her locker raked up the past. It was too demanding for her. It enforced a sad sentuation in her. The salty water now tasted bitter. Sorrow turned to bitterness. If someone were to collect her tears and tasted it, they would be amazed that its taste was never of joy and how it could change so fast. Changed from saltiness to bitterness. Bitterness.

2004-12-25T23:18:00.000-08:00

2000

Jaryan shuffled into class as usual and took the seat beside Crystalle's vandalised table. It had a new inscription everyday. 'I wonder how long will it take to fill the whole table.' Jaryan wondered. He had just learn the art of making those frail paper stars. He was hooked, addicted probably to this new technique of letting out but closing his thoughts. Crystalle had bought him a bottle ever since he started leaning. She said she knew that he would pick it up soon enough and make it his skill. He wanted to know so much about her ever since.
I may not meet any friend like that again. He had many friends but he always felt alone, this sense of them not understanding him totally. They just wanted to befriend him, to know him. But they knew him only on the surface. He didn't trust people much. Maybe only the girl he has been with for the past year. She occupied most of the holes in his life so that he didnt feel so empty anymore. But lately the holes were spreading and though his thoughts were always about her, he didnt think that things were going as well as he expected. Her name was Peace.

Doesnt her name mean peace? Sometimes i wish i can tell her what i want her to change without offending her. She always said that he did not have enough time for her and that he was spending more time with his other friends. But he realised that they usualy had heated conversations or shall he say arguments over the smallest things. It was getting tough and he felt that what he looked for in her could not be found. He needed a listening ear, a confidant. She was more than just a friend to him, he was someone he cared for and still cares for. But they had a huge argument just yesterday. She was angry that he had to leave her for another school and that he didnt call her so many times lately. I cant stand it anymore, it was too tough it was too hard. I guess i will give it a few more days to decide then maybe things will improve.

Crystalle came into class and laid her head on the table. Life changes. Life becomes a whirl. It was hard being the girl she was. Hard to speak out what was within. ''Cryst.. its so early and you are lazing? Wakeup sleepyhead..'' Jaryan was nudging her and taping on her table. On the other side of her was Chris. He whispered to her ''friend, had a late night last night i suppose? take a short nap alright i will copy the notes for you.'' He knew Crystalle's patterns and he also knew that she would perk up after at least two hours of lectures.

Why must Jaryan care so much about Cryst? I am sitting beside him and he should be spending his time talking to me instead of a log on the table. Anabelle gave a flick of her hair and stared right into Jaryan's eyes. Her elbow pushed her pen onto the floor so that it dropped exactly between his shoes next to hers. It was a tactic that always proved useful. Annabelle continued to listen to the lecture, smiling to herself as she saw Jaryan bend down to retrieve her tool. She always made sure she wore skirts that were short enough to show her beautiful legs.

Wow i cannot believe i am looking at those pretty legs when i have a girlfriend who is of a standard i could not complain of. Jaryan shook his head and handed the pen back to Annabelle. She was definitely attractive. Too attractive and she wasn't afraid to show it.

2004-11-17T18:33:00.000-08:00

January 2001 third week of the month

Annabelle walked in after a long break from school. It had been one whole week since she came to school. She wondered how Crystalle was doing, her all time best friend. They had been through so much the last of whole year. Furthermore they were close friends since last year. Together with Chris, it was so fun. But she did not know Chris as much as Crystalle did, after all, Crystalle and him were bonded from the same primary school. She took a breath of the veiw of the school entrance, it gave her real warmth every time she did so. It has been such a long time since i felt this way, she held on to her crutches and hobbled to the lift.
'Annabelle! I was waiting for you all this while upstairs and why are you still on these crutches after this past week? And you are looking real pale!' Crystalle was looking frantically at Annabelle, she was still on those horrid crutches and it weighed alot too.
'Aww come on Cryst darling, I am in no pain at all! I am just in a hurry to see Jaryan my sweetheart! I have not seen him for two days since the last time he visited me at my house.' She rushed off in a hurry.
'Wow she still can hurry that fast even with crutches..just to see..Jaryan..' thought Crystalle.

It seemed to blow over so fast, too fast to even think about. It is a wonder why i always stare blankly out to the scenery of greenery. Crystalle had a habit of letting those pretty eyes of hers which always portrayed her emotions to turn to the scenery outside her classroom window. She remembered it so clearly. It would never leave her memory as long as she had greenery to look at.
It was the start of the year again and many new people came into the new classes, they were new additions as she and Annabelle had called them. Weird additions at that. It was boy gazing for Anabelle as usual but for her it was yet another year t spend in quietness. She never shone like how Anabelle did, Crystalle usually faded behind Annabelle and her features were usually not picked out amongst Annabelles strinking ones.
'Jaryan.' Crystalle muttered to herself. It has been such a long time since she dwelled on him. It was exactly infront of the window, in front of the huge green trees, in front of her.

Febuaury 2000

'I cant seem to know what is wrong with me, what is missing from me' Crystalle wrote on a long strip of coloured paper. With those delicate hands she started to fold it into a perfectly shaped star, the star of her heart, it depicted what she felt what she thought.
'Ouch! Please watch it will you?' Crystalle said angrily to the usual class clowns. They were shoving each other about and Peter knocked right into her destroying the almost finished star that she was making. The helpless paper fell unto the floor slowly unfolding, helpless as the star she bent to pick it, eyes glistening with tears which she quickly wiped away with the quick swipe of her hand.
'Here let me help you.' And he bent down to retrieve what this so gentle girl had let go from her hands. Jaryan stared right into the girl's eyes and was taken back by the emotion that filled it. Glancing at the strip of paper which stirred up such a strong emotion, he read out silently and softly 'I cant seem to know what is wrong with me, what is missing from me'. Again staring into those eyes he handed it back to the girl who had not uttered a word even as she caught him staring at those words. He felt for her, something struck a sensitive chord in his heart.
'Thanks alot' Crystalle did not wish to meet his eyes again, she heard the way he read what she wrote, it was so soft that it was only meant for her ears. How weird it was to hear her feelings and thoughts being read by someone else, someone who she did not even know. She looked up and she saw him staring ahead of her, outside the window she knew so well.
'Dont mention it, I am Jaryan, I heard your friend call you Cryst. Is that a pet name?' Jaryan tore his eyes away from the outside and looked at Cryst.
'Oh yah, that is what most of my friends call me, my actual name is Crystalle. Double L.L.E at the back.' He is cute I guess thought Crystalle but she never bothered much about cute guys. After all they usually had girlfriends and one way or another they would fall in love with Annabelle as soon as they knew her. She went back to folding her star and felt Jaryan's eyes watching the way she folded the star.
'It is interesting how you keep your thoughts. Do you vent your anger that way too?' He was new in the class and was glad he had found someone to talk to. It was not at all a happy thing that he has to start anew again. He felt that Crystalle his new found friend was really pretty in her own way and he had been observing her for sometime ever since he stepped into the classroom. He also found another girl who was talking to a few guys quite outstanding too, he already knew her name. Annabelle. But somehow he felt that Crystalle would make a good friend.
She laughed without her shinning eyes, 'yeah i usually vent my anger that way too...what about you?' This guy was getting interesting, whoever started a conversation this way when they first met? About anger management?
'Hey i since i am new in this class and this school could you brief me on the usual?' He grinned at her and brought his bag over to sit beside her, he was glad that he had a gentle angel to guide him and he thanked his lucky stars and made a mental note to learn from Crystalle how to fold those `thoughtful` stars.

2004-11-08T19:14:00.000-08:00

January 2000 - Middle of the month

many a times we dun treasure the things we have but when we loose it who do we turn to? who do we blame? its coming to an end of the year..many things have been passing through this glass frame and dirtying it but it stays cos there aint no one who is gonna clean it, no one to clear its surface and what lies underneath is but more life and more treasures. it is the life, exuberant and the abundance of life..but no one knows no one sees cos it is hidden under the carpet of dust..it is fading away slowli never ever surfacing ever again....

~Yet another day at school again..it was the second year since she entered the school one month after Leon last year...life goes on as usual. Crystalle was staring at the view from the window outside her classroom..it was always easy to tell her mood, easy to know what she really felt.Everytime she looked out of the window, all she saw was her sad life.The picture outside painted her life. It was the scenery which was suppose to add life to everything but how come everytime I see it i feel as if it is just another green patch?
~Her long hair swept over one side of her shoulder, she Crystalle was the kind of picture an artist would give millions to paint. Her back view was unforgettable. Although it was just a back view, it told Chris many things. It told him flashes of pain and joy.
~'Cryst, what are you doing there again? Something cropped up at home?' Chris knew Crystalle like a book he knew her movements, he knew her moods, he was the one she relied on and the one he looked forward to every day. Chris suddenly felt a sudden urge to hug Crystalle and tell her that everything was going to be alright and that she would not have to face the harsh punishments of the world. Onli because he was there to care for her, to fend for her all her life.
~Chris is so caring but now is not the time that i want to confide to someone, not the time that i want to talk. There is nothing wrong with me, nothing wrong with my life so why am i looking out of this window feeling down? Crystalle loved being in school, she loved being in the comfort of her friends, her teachers.They cared for her, they pinned hopes on her.
~'Its nothing, I am just enjoying the scenery.' Crystalle realised that her mood was affecting Chris. I have to be brighter, to learn to be a shinning light. 'Haha, Chris its break time! You should be spending more time with Linda. She must be finding you now!' Crystalle knew what she had just said would strike a chord in his heart. He always reminded her to stop teasing him about Linda.
~But why doesnt he like Linda? Shes pretty and everything a guy would want. Although I would rather he find a much better girl who undrestands him. Linda is just a pretty face, although she claims that she really loves Chris. Well i have no right to choose someone for Chris.Too bad he is a girl magnet, he just seems to attract all the girls.
~Studying his expression of fake anger was making her happy. He always knew how to cheer her up. She relied on him for a friendship that would never let her down.
~'Come on Cryst, you know that Linda is just another friend to me. Hey i think she is pretty sweet though. Will she make a potential girlfriend?' I am just trying to see Cryst's reaction, i hope she does not get the wrong idea. She is just the angel that i have been looking for all this while, her comments are the precious things to my heart. Her words are like..
~'Yeah of course she is an ideal girlfriend. But somehow i do not think her character suits you. But wait, there is still Yoana right! If you need my permission, she is the one i would give you the go ahead! Firstly she's pretty, sweet, caring and understanding! Isnt that what you always wanted?'
~She is always so sincere about everything, look at that expression on her face. It brings out everything that she is. The girl who does not know how important she is in my heart and how important she is t0 so many others. How long will i have to fight to gain her? Her words are not like Linda's which are just empty talk and all that we talk tells us about what our heart contains. The richness of it all.
~'Chris! Did you even hear what i said?! Hello knockies!!! i just mentioned Yoana and you are into another realm!'
~'Haha sorry Cryst, i was thinking about my future girlfriend and how she would be like.' He smiled sheepishly at her.
~Crystalle, can i talk to you for a moment?'
~What is Leon intruding for when i am talking to Chris. Could the rumours me true that Leon has a thing for me? I do not think so, i am the kind of girl who fades into darkness when the bright light shines on... Crystalle followed the tall and tanned Leon out of the classroom to the next empty classroom.
~He is so cute and warm, Leon has been always trying to talk to me alone these past few weeks but i never gave him the chance. Guess now he has something really impotant to tell me. Crystalle sat silently in the class with Leon. His eyes were fixated on her and he was playing with a book.
~'Crystalle, i am not sure if this book that i am holding would be appreciated by you. But i hope you will keep it, it has something for every occassion just like how we have been through so much the past year even if you did not know.Here.' said Leon. He pushed the book into Crystalle's hands and left the classroom leaving her to reveal the treasure of his heart. The times he observed her from afar, the times when he wrote something when he saw her happy, when he felt happy just looking at her and when he shared her sadness.
~But i know that she is out of reach,but he was willing to try, to be patient. Girls like her were not easy to come by and he felt that she was worth the wait. But there was always Chris. That guy from her class, always sitting beside her, though they are not an item, he felt that they were too close as friends and why couldnt he feel that way too. They guys with him were always habouring on this topic, asking him to go grab Chris and fling him away. They all had girlfriends and did not care much about relationships but he did. He was sentimental and emotional.

Free
when time flies by
we do not know the reason why
but everytime i see the sky
i see above the wings that fly
i want to let go and try
we do not know what another day brings,
we have to treasure around us the many things
what your life depicts and portrays
is like the drama plays
what you do not see is watching your movements
when you have unexpected moments
it knows how exactly how you are feeling
it hopes one day you will get the meaning
Then you will be free and know the truth of freedom

~Crystalle closed the book and drew in a sharp breath of air. I cant believe he wrote this, Leon is in my Literature class and i get this feeling that he wants me to read in between the lines. What more does this book hold? That is only the first poem. Why is it so true just when i yearn the truth about freedom?